delirium-inspired random ranting

16 July 2006
8:18pm

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I almost cried today at service.

There are times when praise and worship becomes so overwhelming that you lose yourself in the process - total surrender.

I remember having a conversation with Bab last week about how, when you lift your hands up in worship, it's really just between you and God. It’s an act of humility.

I used to be so self-conscious during praise and worship (whether attending or serving, alone or with company). Then I realized that, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what other people think about of you because in God’s eyes, you will ALWAYS be a PRINCESS.

Worship today was amazing, and it was really by God's grace. The singers had a separate practice from the musicians due to some miscommunication and we were on the brink of panicking during soundcheck but God really blessed us. :) I guess that's why I almost cried. What we lacked in practice, God graced with heart.

Sina Aubrey said Dianne and I should join their worship team. Hmm.. How does this work? Archie said kasi we’re part of Jose’s team.. We haven't sung with him in a while though. I'm a little confused. I guess it doesn't matter whose team you're in naman, diba? It's your heart that matters. :)

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Yesterday, while singing, I had this realization: although I signed up for music ministry to serve God, it was because of music ministry that my relationship with Him has deepened. I know we're up there to help set the mood for worship, but in reality.. seeing the church sing along and lift their hands in humble praise.. THEY're the inspiring ones! :)

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At service, I had the chance to live out a small “dream” because I got to sing (for the first time EVER!) - alto. Woohoo! I always thought altos were COOLER than sopranos. Everyone thinks it’s cool to be a soprano but the alto part is usually more challenging. And a lot of great stage actresses are altos! Plus, I love blending down not up. I sometimes feel like a chipmunk when singing the higher harmony. I was SO HAPPY to have that chance, although it was a bit scary. My ear’s still a bit rusty because I’ve been singing melody as of late. I'm just so happy everyone was patient with me. Dianne was SUCH a blessing, helping me with the notes and being so encouraging. :)

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Last week, I found myself praying a lot for Archie and Jose. It may sound silly because I’m not even remotely close to either of them but I really missed their presence. They both kept popping up in my prayers. And I also realized just how much of a blessing Archie is. I mean, I appreciate him to begin with but today I realized how EASY he makes it for everybody, and he makes it seem effortless. I'm glad they’re back safe and sound. :)

On another note..

Even though I'm supposed to be part of Jose's team.. He scares the BEEJEEBIES out of me. Not because he’s scary or anything because he seems super nice and funny but I'm SUPER SHY around people I don't know very well.

Last Saturday, I got to practice a little early and ran into Aubrey, Jose and P. Julius in the hallway. Aubrey was quick to greet me (she's SUPER nice) and I just got.. FLUSTERED. I never know how to greet pastors. So I mumble a 'hello' to Aubrey and smile, this being a default expression for anything. Don't you just LOVE smiling? More people should smile and make the world a happier place. :)

Back to the story.

So I say hi to Aubrey and throw a glance towards Jose. I REALLY wanted to smile and greet him and say “Hi! We’ve missed you! Welcome back.” but he just looked so serious I decided not to interrupt their conversation more than I had to. It seems I have a nasty habit of interrupting him, not meaning to of course. It just kinda happens. Oh, dear. :( Anyway, a couple of minutes later, he drops by the band room and I manage to spill out "Welcome back!" but I don't think he hears me. Eep. One day I WILL muster up the courage to strike a decent conversation with Jose. Maybe he’ll see that I'm not such a bubble-headed “interrupter” after all. :)

Hmm.. Now that I think about it, this feels a bit like the apprehension I used to have in talking to Archie. He’s nice too.. It’s really me (can you say issues?). At least now I'm more comfy talking to him. Baby steps.

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I suddenly realize how lucky theater people have it. :) It's SO EASY getting to know one another when you're in a production together.. It’s almost like fast-tracking your friendships. In fact, I've met some of my bestest friends because of theater. :) It could be that in acting you have to first make yourself vulnerable to your co-actors in order to make any performance authentic (just a theory!). You can't be afraid to look stupid, so you get that over with at the onset. It’s like pulling off a band-aid. Everything becomes a piece of cake after that. ;)

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Let you in on a little secret: I'm QUITE shy. Really. You can stop laughing now. It does seem unlikely but it’s true! :P Despite my perennially bubbly and hyperactive disposition, if you lock me in a roomful of strangers and I will be silent as a feather. It’s an insecurity I’m still trying to get over.

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Speaking of insecurities to get over.. Being perceived as DITZY is a MAJOR insecurity. A lot of people misinterpret my being bubbly and “babaw” as being a ditz. Maybe that's how Sharon Stone and Geena Davis feel. Not that I’m gorgeous like they are.. It’s just that they’re Hollywood staples and they’re really beautiful so people tend to think there’s little substance beneath the exterior. I AM THE BIGGEST GEEK EVER. Ask my friends.

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I'm slowly starting to feel comfortable with the people from church. :)

Starting to interact more with everyone, and feeling more at home. :) Opening up a little, and I'm loving choir more than ever. We just finished our first piece last Friday, and we learned Abeg is pregnant! Baby shower! :)